the things i would change right now are endless. its quite sad. i would just take joe out. all of him. completely. if that means losing the uh club then i guess i would have to deal with that. if i were meant to meet them then it would happen whether he came along or not. being depressed about it is causing me so much pain and its essentially ruining who i am and my future. its actually making me physically sick. i'm working towards fixing it all but its so hard.

so basically, what's there to say about maturity? it's something we hope most adults have, and we're thankful when children have it. but who says that maturity comes with age?

i had a whole thing typed up, but life hates me, and it deleted.
lets try this again.
so, recently things for me have changed. i've been avoiding those i love, because i can't deal with them. i'm losing friends because i simply can't deal with talking to them because my brain is just about to explode with things. i'm not being mature. now surely, people thing i am mature. and sometimes this angers me. i really act like a four year old all the time. not that i don't appreciate it coming from people, it makes me feel somewhat important, i like yeah, thats right, i'm important enough to chill with adults, but the thing is, it bothers me? i feel like i missed out on being carefree. i care too much almost?. i'm not one to go around being mood swingy or play games with you. i'm straightforward most of the time, as to me, thats part of being an adult. no one likes someone who beats around the bush. its annoying, and it gets old fast. playing by the rules is another part for me. its just you can;t go around breaking tons of rules. thats what children do. they break rules. you can't do that. you just cant. it makes you too unpredictable. people need to be able to rely on you, and the thing is, when you don't do what you're supposed to, they get short with you. which isnt fair, as they expect you to be mature and responsible, yet they arent being the same way. regardless, i'm confused on exactly what defines maturity on some aspects. its surly not age, but what exactly is it if not that.

 

 

i would love to say i am a patient person, but truth is i am totally opposite. i always used to tell people to wait it out, but truth is that was horrible advice on my part. waiting is something that is really hard and i tend to be really short with people. there is also ignorance involved in patience. i recently had my mom yell at me for not doing something right then and there for her. that i thought was ridiculous. why should i take the time out of what i'm doing to do what you want. i do not liked to be bossed around, but i am only fourteen and you cant tell your mom no unless you have some type of death wish. which i do not. secondly i have someone who i considered very close mad at me. and their brother told me "wait it out, he's not one to hold grudges". i never realized how hard it was to wait for something up until that moment. its difficult to wait. and i think a true test of adult hood is if you have patience. that alone is enough to define maturity.